Besides a few freelance gigs here and there, a couple things in print and as a regular contributor on a website, not so much. You don't see Vanity Fair or I got a book publisher on there, do you? Well, I kept two beautiful kids safe and healthy, shouldn't that be enough?
I don't know how many others of you out there are plagued with this, but I figure here is the best place to find other moms with my affliction: that momness isn't enough. Uh, yeah, I said it out loud. Don't get me wrong, I could never imagine life without it but I want it ALL, and I'm having a hard time finding the hours in the day to make it happen.
Is there something wrong with me? Does this make me a less-than-average mom, the fact that I don't want to be the average mom? Does it make me inferior that I don't hold down an 8-5er while still being the cook and laundress and billpayer and taxi? Because I see women who do this, and I wonder if I'm pulling my weight just doing the latter. And then I see ones that are SAHMs, like me, but they somehow manage to run a somewhat lucrative home business whilst doing all the things that I do. Why aren't I doing that? Then, there are the lucky ones. And I mean that. They are the ones who accept their their station at this point in life and they embrace it. Like the moms at dance class, talking about how they must run home to put the rolls in the oven for the roast and hurry back to pick up their daughters. They seem to have no issues that this is what they do. Period. If I could just be that way, everyone around me would be a lot happier. But I can't, no matter how hard I try. Writing can wait. no it can't.
But no matter how much I desire to have a real and lucrative writing career, I find that I won't really sacrifice time with my kids. I feel guilty as hell when I take a few hours on the weekend to steal away to Starbucks with the computer or when I don't join them and Daddy for bike riding at the park. I don't want to miss a thing. I cook dinner six nights a week because I refuse to feed my kids junk food more than once a week and because we can't afford to dine out all the time. I keep my house straight, for the most part, because it drives me nuts if it isn't. I have my reasons. I take an hour to work out because if I didn't, I'd weigh 200 pounds. So guess what comes last? That's right.
So it looks like I've made my choice, doesn't it?
Not so fast. I think I just need a good course of time management. Maybe I need to give up cooking one night or give up a workout. Maybe I need you.
I want to know how you really feel about your "place." I won't tell anyone if you're not ecstatic to find yourself in yoga pants all day with no makeup, or that you meant to be a movie star by now. I need to know I'm not alone!
But, please don't tell me to just chill and accept it. Share your secrets on becoming Superwoman. Pay it forward, women!
~R
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8 rockstars wrote:
I've been stuck in the middle for a while now. I've been a SAHM for 6+ years now. I love being there for my kids, and I DON'T feel bad about the time that I take for myself. I think everyone needs some me time and not feel a bit of guilt about it. Nadda, zip, NO GUILT. While I love being there for my kids and being able to go to their awards assembly's and such, I also feel that I am not all that I want to be. I miss feeling important and productive in the workplace. Maybe it was due to me loving my emergency dispatching job, but none the less I feel I'm missing things. A big part is missing the interaction with more adults. You're definitely not the only one feeling these things..sometimes we all feel that inferiority complex, and sometimes that just really bites!
I probably am not the one to ask. I have an 8-5, am also on call, and find myself in all of the other roles you mentioned - taxi, billpayer, housekeeper, cook... but more often than not, I can't take time to do anything for "me". You mentioned workouts, I have no time. You mentioned bike rides - Daddy is in charge of those, usually so that I can get an hour or so to myself to clean the house.
My kids are still young (my oldest is four, youngest is one), so I know we'll go through transformations as time goes on. I look forward to those, because most of the time I feel like I can't keep up, and I drive myself crazy with guilt if I let something slip.
Regardless, I love my job and could never do what SAHM's do. Never, ever. I need adult time, I need productivity that does not relate to teaching letters and numbers, colors and shapes. I don't have patience for kids 24/7, so I am thankful for the few hours a day that I see them - and still am thankful for bedtime.
I suck at what I do. I have a part time job that allows me to mostly work at home and three kids. I get so overwhelmed I tend to do nothing not knowing where to even start. I could accomplish so much but I have just stagnated. That almost sounds like I just farted. But I'm too lazy to rewrite it. See what I mean?
I totally understand! I feel the same way. I always wanted to be a SAHM, but now that I am, I'm not fulfilled. I feel restless and frustrated and replaceable. I hate not having any adult interaction. I don't know of any playgroups around here to take my son to so we can both socialize. We can't afford to eat out either, and cooking is difficult for me b/c I'm learning as I go. And I HATE cleaning. HATE. Even though I am raising our son, I feel like I'm not pulling my weight b/c I don't make any money (I work at a hair salon on Saturdays to make grocery money, but that's it). Steve is working 2 jobs to keep us afloat. It is all very frustrating b/c Sundays are the only day we are together as a family. The rest of the week, I am at home, alone, with a 17-month old! And while that is great, he can't exactly hold a conversation yet! All he can say is "Ma-ma" and "sit".
I didn't realize you are a SAHM. Perhaps we should get the boys together sometime to play?
And by the way, the above post was not from gcarpenter. It was from me, Amy. I was accidentally signed in to a co-worker's blog account. Oops.
Amo, Dude! Thanks for your honesty! its ok for us to say everything isnt allll perfect! And just because we need our own personal fulfillment outside of motherhood doesnt make us horrid mothers. I just thought about - what about when they leave home, at 18, and there we are - having never figured out what we'd be doing if not mommies. Well, I know what career I want (meaning waaay more successful than it is now), i just realize I aint gettin any younger and need to get on with it NOW. So youve helped me with your honesty. And you and Clarko, Yall best call us and we'll get together and eat some friggin beans and cornbread. And drink some cheap-ass wine. Everybody's broke these days;( . I mean it. Adult interaction.
And Brooke, you are definitely Wonder Woman.! I chose at the beginning to be a SAHM, and once you get into the role and give up years of work experience, getting a job that wont result in more $$$ in childcare, possibly more than would warrant the remaining salary, you just figure youll wait until both kids are in school. Then you have to do the afterschool programs i guess..? But, as for me personally, I can never again sit under the nose of a boss, so freelancing will be what i do, where i can still get my kids at 3 and take them for a snack. Im not cut out for the ratrace...
thats my dream anyway. And my point, that i am desperately trying to find the time to get a decent biz started now...and yes, still workout too:) AND not feel guilty!
I've done both: with my first child I was back to work after six weeks of maternity leave and I fantasized all the time about not having to work. However the reality was I loved my career and my paycheck and benefits. I somehow managed to balance it all for 13 years. When I adopted my second daughter, I knew she'd need me at home for a while so I quit my job. It was so wonderful for the first six months. Then I fell into a depression. Then my industry imploded. Like you, I take freelance assignments when I can, but I'm not willing to jump back on that treadmill just yet. I'm just as confused about how I should feel in my role, what my role is exactly, and how the heck I'll ever get back into the workforce after three years and counting. I go to the gym three to four nights a week and that saves my sanity.
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